Letter To My Son

I believe the saddest day of my life was the day you told me I was dead to you. I heard only venomous anger in your voice. I am positive today will go down as the loneliest day in my life.  

I loved you before I ever met you, and I have loved you since the instant I held you in my arms. I did not truly grasp the meaning and significance of unconditional love until you came into this world. You have always amazed me in so many ways. You were such a bright, articulate child with a vivid imagination. You believed you were the best at whatever you did, and so you were. I remember one day being worried when I couldn't find you, and in my search, I got myself turned around in the woods and just before full panic set in, you found me. I remember you firmly taking my hand, and with more confidence than most grown men, said 'don't worry momma, I'll take care of you', and you did. I always believed you and I would be close forever.

It devastates me to see how hostile you are toward me. The hurtful names and derogatory remarks were intentionally used to inflict the most pain you could without actual physical contact. It is evident malice is all you feel for me in your heart now. I never wished you dead. Like everything else in the last few months, even this was twisted until I was accused of saying you were dead to me, which is an absolute lie. The day you said we were dead to you, I wrote 'I lost my son today', and I have lost you. 

You violated social norms, crossed cultural and personal boundaries that 99.9 % of us would never even contemplate, much less carry through with such impunity. There is absolutely no justification for the way you treated me REGARDLESS of what you believe I said or did. 

Everyone gets angry at their parents at one time or another. I recall being so angry at my own father that I refused to call him Dad, and I recall major fights with all 4 of your grandparents. I still hold animosity toward your Pawpaw for the cruel things he said about Granny and Belle-Anna. Maw-maw crushed my heart when I was pregnant with you over a misunderstanding. I remember when Pop learned your dad and I had married. He was so angry. He pushed your dad up against the wall. He refused to even acknowledge your dad's existence for a long time. For a man who did not hold his tongue and would fight at the drop of a hat, your dad never retaliated. Do you know why? Respect for his elders. They eventually became as close as any father and son. Had your father disrespected him the way you and Nikki have done to both of us, the close relationship they shared would have never happened. 

These are only the MAJOR things I can recall at the moment. Despite all our disagreements,  we never belittled, humiliated or disrespected your grandparents the way you have done me, nor would we have ever allowed anyone else to do so. It's my opinion that once a person crosses those lines, there is no longer a relationship to salvage. I will not allow you the opportunity to shatter my life again.

Just because you say I am dead to you does not mean I feel the same about you. Regardless of how you feel about me, regardless of your unwarranted anger toward me, and regardless of your untrue and baseless accusations against me, you cannot make me stop loving you or stop worrying about your well-being.

I worry about what will become of you and how you will feel when you realize the magnitude of the decision you've made. What will happen when you need to talk, or need encouragement, or need someone to just listen and you realize that more often than not, that someone was me? I trusted you unconditionally, and you never gave me any reason to doubt you or question your integrity or loyalty, until now. I would never intentionally hurt you in any way, and for the life of me, I cannot understand your motivation in lashing out at me.

You have made your decision to cut me out of your life, albeit for reasons you have never articulated. I cannot picture any scenario in which a relationship could survive the hatred and cruelty you've shown. If I could, I would see and do things differently. 

I do remember you and your family in prayer everyday. I have asked God to keep you safe and give you peace of mind and happiness. I wish the best for you and your new family and pray also, this is what you've been searching to find, because they are your only family now. I love you, son, and I will surely miss you until the day I draw my last breath.  

I will always and forever love you,

Your Mother