It doesn't even have to be a mistake. It can be something that is just personal and private to you. Something you would only feel comfortable saying to one you love and trust with your heart. We all have done this in relationships. The one big caveat is that both partners understanding the trust and confidence being placed on each other when we share our most inner selves. If you think back, you will remember this went on in every relationship you ever had, but when the end came and you parted ways, did you ever break out into a cold sweat wondering what this person was going to do with your private information? No. It likely never even entered mind, because normal people don’t disclose things told to them in confidence. Did it ever occur to you to blab a former partner’s deepest darkest secrets? No. Why? Because she trusted you and the fact that the love didn’t last doesn’t change that fact. Why? Because you have a conscience. Between two normal people sharing secrets comes up innocently in a relationship. It’s just one of those mysteries of falling in love.
If your partner has ever embarrassed you or shamed you by bringing up something you told her in confidence, then chances are very good your partner is an emotionally abusive individual. If she continues to do so, and refuses to stop, then I’d say you’re with a narcopath. A person with a conscience does not do things like this. This is one of the ways a narcopath destroys your trust in other people. From this day forward, how comfortable will you ever be with someone once you have been betrayed in such a manner.
Here’s an example. How it came up escapes you, but at some point you confide in your partner that you were a bed-wetter until you were 10. You would never tell this to a mere acquaintance, much less to someone who didn’t like you. Why? Because you don’t have an expectation that this individual will keep your secret. This is something you could only share with one you completely trusted. When you told your new partner this little secret, she was very understanding, and you felt good knowing you could tell her anything. She totally understands you and loves you. Fast forward…
How would something like this ever be used against you, you ask? Let me count the ways. Several months, maybe a year into the relationship, she begins acting differently, you can't quite put your finger on it. Something is changing in the relationship, but you can't quite put your finger on it. All relationships move through stages, much like the seasons. For normal relationships, this is a natural progression as love grows and matures. But, what your feeling isn't comfortable or natural feeling. You're beginning to notice a distance or unhappiness when you look at your "soul mate". You ask and she tells you she’s fine, but you have an unsettling feeling in your gut that you can't quite explain. You call her or send her a text, and she doesn’t respond. This isn’t like her. What is going on? You decide to surprise her at work. Then it happens. BAM! Without warning, she flies into a rage like you’ve never seen. She is yelling at you in front of the world about how useless you are, how lazy you are, and this goes on while you are in a state of shock and confusion. You are embarrassed and trying to get her to calm down, but nothing is working. Then, it happens, she asks anyone within earshot if they think a child who wets the bed at 10 is just being lazy? All she needs is for one person to agree, and your secret is secret no more. Or she announces to everyone in earshot that the reason you are such a flawed man is your mother “allowed” you to wet bed until you were 10, and this is the reason you are such a loser. What do you do? You freeze. You can’t even think straight at the moment. All you know is the woman you love is totally humiliating you and you have to play it off or something until you can get out of there. Doesn’t make sense to me or any other normal person, but it does to her. It is a way to control you.
Later when you two are alone, and you’re still trying figure out what the hell happened, she’ll tell you that you left dirty dishes in the sink or you forgot to send her a good morning text. You will have no clue what set her off. She’ll apologize for telling your secrets, but she’ll add, that if you hadn’t forgotten to send her that text, none of this would have happened. That’s not an apology, folks. That’s justifying bad behavior and blaming the target of your childish tirade for making her do it. And she will do it again, and again, and again. She not only doesn’t care that it bothers you, she ENJOYS the fact that it bothers you. You walk on egg shells every time someone mentions bed-wetting, your heart beat speeds up, because you know she’s going to humiliate and embarrass you once again. She uses shame to first destroy your self-worth, then silence you. You try to ward it off, but it’s coming and you know it. Why do you stay?
This is the discard phase of your relationship. You find yourself trapped in an abusive cyclic relationship. She wants a new “soul mate”, BUT she wants you to be available for her. You still love her, and in your mind, you think if you give her some space she’ll come back and everything will be fine again. And she does, and it is…for another few months, before it starts all over again. STOP IT!! Get off this roller coaster. You are the only one being destroyed through it all. She will never stop being the monster you see in the discard phase, and the longer the relationship goes on, the longer the discard phase. She keeps telling you how you are the reason she feels how she does, and if you only did this, or did that, then maybe she would feel differently. So you make changes, and surprisingly, it works! STOP IT. Get off the roller coaster. The next time she will raise the bar higher. She has you so focused on the fact that its all your fault and on your efforts to “fix” yourself, that she does whatever the hell she wants to do, and just dares you to say anything about it. This is exactly how my son’s girlfriend behaves. My son has given up everything for her. She keeps telling him if only he did this that, then he would be good enough. It’s never enough, and it never will be. She trashes him and anyone who gets in her way with every secret or mistake ever made, regardless of how long ago it may have occurred.
Yet, she conveniently refuses to acknowledge her own specific mistakes and bad judgment calls, but never misses an opportunity to remind anyone of their past. Oh, she’ll never admit she’s perfect. In a very general way she sweeps her past under the carpet, but, if you dare attempt to tell her she isn't perfect by pointing out her specific mistakes or secrets, she flies into a narcissistic rage.
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