Narcopath Uses Shame & Embarrassment To Control You

 A narcopath will use your past mistakes to control you by constantly throwing it in your face and humiliating you by announcing it in public, regardless of how far back in time you made them. Even if she didn't know you when it happened, if you make the mistake (another one) of confiding in her about something you regret from your past, she will use it to make you feel ashamed and embarrassed.  She will use this in making broad, sweeping statements about your character and integrity.

It doesn't even have to be a mistake. It can be something that is just personal and private to you. Something you would only feel comfortable saying to one you love and trust with your heart. We all have done this in relationships. The one big caveat is that both partners understanding the trust and confidence being placed on each other when we share our most inner selves. If you think back, you will remember this went on in every relationship you ever had, but when the end came and you parted ways, did you ever break out into a cold sweat wondering what this person was going to do with your private information? No. It likely never even entered mind, because normal people don’t disclose things told to them in confidence. Did it ever occur to you to blab a former partner’s deepest darkest secrets? No. Why? Because she trusted you and the fact that the love didn’t last doesn’t change that fact. Why? Because you have a conscience. Between two normal people sharing secrets comes up innocently in a relationship. It’s just one of those mysteries of falling in love.
If your partner has ever embarrassed you or shamed you by bringing up something you told her in confidence, then chances are very good your partner is an emotionally abusive individual. If she continues to do so, and refuses to stop, then I’d say you’re with a narcopath. A person with a conscience does not do things like this. This is one of the ways a narcopath destroys your trust in other people. From this day forward, how comfortable will you ever be with someone once you have been betrayed in such a manner.

Here’s an example. How it came up escapes you, but at some point you confide in your partner that you were a bed-wetter until you were 10. You would never tell this to a mere acquaintance, much less to someone who didn’t like you. Why? Because you don’t have an expectation that this individual will keep your secret. This is something you could only share with one you completely trusted. When you told your new partner this little secret, she was very understanding, and you felt good knowing you could tell her anything. She totally understands you and loves you. Fast forward…
How would something like this ever be used against you, you ask? Let me count the ways. Several months, maybe a year into the relationship, she begins acting differently, you can't quite put your finger on it. Something is changing in the relationship, but you can't quite put your finger on it. All relationships move through stages, much like the seasons. For normal relationships, this is a natural progression as love grows and matures. But, what your feeling isn't comfortable or natural feeling. You're beginning to notice a distance or unhappiness when you look at your "soul mate". You ask and she tells you she’s fine, but you have an unsettling feeling in your gut that you can't quite explain. You call her or send her a text, and she doesn’t respond. This isn’t like her. What is going on? You decide to surprise her at work. Then it happens. BAM! Without warning, she flies into a rage like you’ve never seen. She is yelling at you in front of the world about how useless you are, how lazy you are, and this goes on while you are in a state of shock and confusion. You are embarrassed and trying to get her to calm down, but nothing is working. Then, it happens, she asks anyone within earshot if they think a child who wets the bed at 10 is just being lazy? All she needs is for one person to agree, and your secret is secret no more. Or she announces to everyone in earshot that the reason you are such a flawed man is your mother “allowed” you to wet bed until you were 10, and this is the reason you are such a loser. What do you do? You freeze. You can’t even think straight at the moment. All you know is the woman you love is totally humiliating you and you have to play it off or something until you can get out of there. Doesn’t make sense to me or any other normal person, but it does to her. It is a way to control you.

Later when you two are alone, and you’re still trying figure out what the hell happened, she’ll tell you that you left dirty dishes in the sink or you forgot to send her a good morning text. You will have no clue what set her off. She’ll apologize for telling your secrets, but she’ll add, that if you hadn’t forgotten to send her that text, none of this would have happened. That’s not an apology, folks. That’s justifying bad behavior and blaming the target of your childish tirade for making her do it. And she will do it again, and again, and again. She not only doesn’t care that it bothers you, she ENJOYS the fact that it bothers you. You walk on egg shells every time someone mentions bed-wetting, your heart beat speeds up, because you know she’s going to humiliate and embarrass you once again. She uses shame to first destroy your self-worth, then silence you. You try to ward it off, but it’s coming and you know it. Why do you stay?

This is the discard phase of your relationship. You find yourself trapped in an abusive cyclic relationship.  She wants a new “soul mate”, BUT she wants you to be available for her. You still love her, and in your mind, you think if you give her some space she’ll come back and everything will be fine again. And she does, and it is…for another few months, before it starts all over again. STOP IT!! Get off this roller coaster. You are the only one being destroyed through it all. She will never stop being the monster you see in the discard phase, and the longer the relationship goes on, the longer the discard phase. She keeps telling you how you are the reason she feels how she does, and if you only did this, or did that, then maybe she would feel differently. So you make changes, and surprisingly, it works! STOP IT. Get off the roller coaster. The next time she will raise the bar higher. She has you so focused on the fact that its all your fault and on your efforts to “fix” yourself, that she does whatever the hell she wants to do, and just dares you to say anything about it. This is exactly how my son’s girlfriend behaves. My son has given up everything for her. She keeps telling him if only he did this that, then he would be good enough. It’s never enough, and it never will be. She trashes him and anyone who gets in her way with every secret or mistake ever made, regardless of how long ago it may have occurred.

Yet, she conveniently refuses to acknowledge her own specific mistakes and bad judgment calls, but never misses an opportunity to remind anyone of their past. Oh, she’ll never admit she’s perfect. In a very general way she sweeps her past under the carpet, but, if you dare attempt to tell her she isn't perfect by pointing out her specific mistakes or secrets, she flies into a narcissistic rage.

Flying Monkeys Are Essential To The Smear Campaign

The point of a smear campaign is to discredit you and make you look crazy, while making the toxic individual who has targeted you out to be the healthy one. She believes you will react like everyone else she has smeared, that by slandering you and smearing your name no one will believe you when you tell them what she’s really done. Instead, she wants you to look like the hateful, unstable one. She will stop at nothing at her sick game. She uses people like normal people use Kleenex. Her tactic is to start spreading lies and gossip about you before you are even aware of what she was doing. Narcissistic sociopaths use this tactic because it puts the target of any smear campaign behind the 8 ball from the get-go, and her smear campaign of you will be well underway before you even realize this person has a problem with you. This tactic has always worked for the narcopath in keeping her victims quiet – they are too embarrassed to say anything or already getting shunned by her friends who believe the lies. Don’t let her silence you. Let her know she’s focused on the wrong person this time. Sure, there will be those people who will believe regardless of any direct proof you may have. I call these people her flying monkeys. Remember the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz and how she corrupted her army of flying monkeys? Same concept.

I am not suggesting you put yourself in harm’s way or even confront this toxic person. I am just letting you know that you can remain quiet and hope she goes away for as long as you can stand it, and in the end, it didn’t matter. She will continue to slander you and turn people against you. All your silence does is enable her more. You’ll keep thinking it will pass over, but believe me, it will not.

Don’t let this toxic person silence you. This is in essence allowing her to control you.

Slandering You With Her Smear Campaign While Playing the Victim

Narcissistic sociopaths will often use more than one of these manipulation tactics together. For example, this is one of the favorite maneuvers of the toxic person who targeted me. She will verbally assault me or slander me on her Facebook page, then scapegoat by telling everyone I attacked her, all the while wrapping her words up in fake despair and concern. This is her concealing her abuse by playing the victim while vilifying the true victim. She then tells everyone who will listen how she was verbally attacked by me. She didn't even let up when my father-in-law passed away, and then had the audacity to flip the facts, claiming she is the innocent victim and I was attacking her. Serious mental issues with this toxic sub-human.

This is often how she conceals her abuse, garners pity, and rallies the flying monkeys for abuse by proxy. This is exactly how they are able to destroy families and relationships that may never heal. A toxic person has no conscience, so she will never feel guilty about anything she says or does, even when she knows her behavior is destroying people. This isn't normal. Could you do this to anyone without one bit of remorse? I couldn't. Not even to her.

The Smear Campaign to Inflict Abuse By Proxy

As is a common trait with narcissistic sociopath, in virtually every story they tell, they are either the innocent victim or the hero – or both. They loves manipulating their flying monkeys with guilt and pity. So attacking you, then flipping the tale to portray themselves as the innocent victim not only garners pity for themselves, but by making you out to be one who is toxic,  they gets to inflict more hurt and pain through the actions of their flying monkeys. I call this abuse by proxy. These individuals intentionally triangulate in order to manipulate others into doing their bidding.

The Smear Campaign Wrapped in Fake Concern

Another under-handed trait of a narcissistic sociopath – they gossip about you without appearing to be slandering you - they pretend to be concerned about you when they tell your family and friends that you are on drugs, or stealing money from your boss or whatever lie they think will hurt you the most. They do this in order to be seen as a concerned, caring person over what you are doing, when in fact, you aren't doing any of the horrible things they are talking about. Another ploy is to talk about how concerned she is over your mental state, when in reality, they are the one with serious mental issues. They will use your justified anger as proof of your mental instability and make you look like the crazy one.

A Narcopath's Thinking on the Smear Campaign

A narcissistic sociopath does not play fair, but rather is vicious and dirty while telling themselves you deserve it. I am convinced these people know what they are doing is wrong, but they don't care. They will even gloat to you about how much smarter they are than you to be able to convince others that you are crazy. If a normal healthy person did something as devious, backstabbing and vicious, they would likely reflect on it and feel remorse. I know I would. A narcopath would not, simply because they have no remorse for anything they do if their actions get them what they want, which is you to be shunned by everyone and made an outcast. Do not ever look for an apology. Instead, if you watch closely you’ll see a smirk on their face when they know they have conned someone into believing the worst lies about you. I am convinced they get a rush of superiority, as well as satisfaction of believing they have "won". (EVERYTHING IS A GAME TO THESE TOXIC PEOPLE).

Perfect Example of Narcopath's Grandiosity

This is an example of Nikki Miller's abusive character, and evidence of her distorted belief that my life revolves around her.
Now, I spent most of the day with a family member who has stage 3 lymphoma and is in town at the hospital receiving chemotherapy, but this narcopath wants everyone, especially my son, to believe I spent the entire day trying to find something to write about for this blog. She also demands I stop tagging her name. I have on numerous other articles, but not this one. Did she even bother to see before she started running her mouth, because I can tell you with almost absolute certainty that if she put it in a comment to me, the she was playing the victim role to the hilt and telling anyone who would listen that I tagged her name in the article she commented on. I wonder if any one of her flying monkeys had the guts to tell her, her name was not tagged. I doubt it.